About a year ago, I had a therpist who was so good, and by good, I mean tough. Her brutal honesty helped me transform my relationship with myself and how I present myself to others. The best thing I learned from her was boundary setting and the importance of it.

During one session, I told my therapist a story of how I ranted to a friend about an event I witnessed that bothered me. I expressed how I was upset at my friend because they had brushed me off and said they weren’t able to help me. I was furious at this, actually.

Why couldn’t they just be there for me? Say a few encouraging words, if anything? It’s not that hard…

I expected my therapist to be on my side and give me prompts to vocalize my feelings to my friend. Instead, I was met with a solemn pause. After a short while, she said she didn’t see where my friend had done anything wrong.

I tried to further explain, but my frustration was futile. In short, she explained to me how my friend had set up a boundary, they were unable to assist me because they had a lot on their plate, and I needed to respect that, if I wanted to continue the friendship.

When I heard this, I felt overwhelmed and even more upset. The more I thought about it in that session, though, the more I realized she was right. How could my friend help me if they were struggling internally as well?

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

My therapist taught me that setting boundaries was an act of self-love and respect for yourself. It may be uncomfortable and hard at first, but the sooner you start to respect yourself, the sooner others will respect you as well.

Since then, I’ve been working hard to set up my own boundaries as well as respect my friends’. It’s still a hard process and I’m practicing every day, but I always make sure to ask myself if I’m making the right decision that is respectful to myself and to others.

Some ways I practice boundary setting are:

• vocalizing if I feel like I’m being taken advantage of

• saying no more often (and understanding that “No.” is a complete sentence)

• standing up for myself

• communicating my feelings

• respecting my own time and energy

• not accepting disrespect or abuse

• asking if my friends are in the right headspace to hear a rant

This can look like setting my phone on do not disturb mode, walking away from certain spaces that do not serve me, firmly stating “I’m hanging up the phone now,” or “I’m stepping away for a moment,” speaking my truth, and using “I feel…” instead of “you’re making me feel…” statements.

It’s still a challenge for me to set boundaries since I feel like I’ve been a people pleaser all my life. I’m getting better each and every day, though.

One interesting thing to note is that when I set boundaries with people who aren’t used to being told no, they really can’t seem to handle it. People can get really upset when you set boundaries, even though those boundaries are set up so you don’t burn yourself (it’s really not about the other person… it’s solely about you). And that can result in a loss of some friendships.

Personally, though, I’d much rather practice self-love and respect for myself by creating firm boundaries than be friends with people who don’t respect me.